幸福婚姻的鑰匙（二）

之前，我們提到饒恕是幸福婚姻的鑰匙。饒恕是一個重複的選擇及決定，去接納別人的有限。現在，讓我們探討另一條鑰匙 — 欣賞。

當我們能夠接納配偶「不是神」的時候，我們可以慢慢學習欣賞他們是上帝的寫照，反映出神部份的性情和愛。

欣賞爲何這樣重要？1970年代婚姻專家葛約翰 (John Gottman)，在他伊利諾大學的研究室裡面，發現出婚姻溝通當中，最致命的一種情感、態度是鄙視。鄙視是不尊重對方，看不起對方。據稱，他只要花3分鐘時間，去聆聽夫婦間的爭執，便能預測他們會否離婚收場。在這些夫婦爭執當中，只要葛氏發現到厭惡或鄙視等態度，他大概能斷定這些夫婦最終會離婚，準確度超過90%。

夫婦需要學習的是彼此欣賞和尊重。使徒保羅有這樣的鼓勵：「妻子也當敬重她的丈夫。」(弗5:33下)「敬重」原文帶有「敬意」之意。而使徒彼得則囑咐丈夫要「敬重」妻子(彼前3:7)，原文是「尊重」的意思。對丈夫的敬意，或對妻子的尊重，其實可以從「欣賞」對方開始。欣賞並不是爲對方所作的表示謝意，而是欣賞配偶內裡有神的形象，且承載着神的性情。

比方説，妻子努力地燒一頓飯或照顧兒女，這些或許未必盡如丈夫的心意，但她這樣作正反映出犠牲的愛。這愛是神形像的反照，丈夫要欣賞的，便是這些。從另一角度看，一位丈夫選擇以謙讓來回應激烈的爭執 (他原意並不是去逃避事情)，正顯出那份神聖的寬容和忍耐。

互相欣賞，並發掘神在別人身上所展現的性情和愛，是一生的功課。不用急的，慢慢學吧！

這文章是節錄自我和太太，在一個名爲《永恆承諾》的聚會中共同主講的信息。

幸福婚姻的鑰匙（一）

  

阿強與阿珍結婚50年，牧師請他們分享維持長久婚姻的秘訣。阿強上台分享：「我很尊重太太的，在特別日子，我便帶她旅遊。」牧師問道：「到那裡旅遊？」阿強説：「25週年的時候，我帶她到東歐。」這時，台下的會眾都流露羨慕的眼神。牧師立刻追問：「你們50週年又去了那裡？」阿強答：「阿珍在東歐遊玩了25年，50週年時我便接她回來！」

不少人在婚前都會認為，只要大家真心相愛，便能夠快樂地生活下去。相信在婚姻當中的人，都會知道這是童話故事的橋段。而在現實中，婚姻往往使人感到孤單、失望、煩惱、沮喪和憤怒。已故佈道家葛培理牧師，他太太路得這樣形容他們的婚姻：「我從沒有想過離婚。不過，卻有幾次我想把他殺死！」

幸福婚姻的鑰匙是我們必須學習彼此饒恕。保羅在以弗所書第5章說出夫婦相愛之道，而在第4章他先提出信徒合一的基本原則。「… 彼此饒恕，正如神在基督裡饒恕了你們一樣。」（弗4:32下）保羅對信徒群體和諧合一的教導，顯然是他在第5章講述夫婦關係的基礎。我們或許會問，在夫婦關係中，我們要饒恕對方甚麼呢？

已故的靈修神學家盧雲 (Henri Nouwen) 説得好：「我們要因着對方不是神而彼此饒恕。」很多時，已婚者會期望另一半，滿足自己所有渴求及需要。但事實是，只有神才能滿足我們所有需要；配偶極其量，也只能滿足我們一小部份的需要。因此，我們便要學習彼此饒恕，接納和認清對方並不是神。

經歷過神在基督裡對你的憐憫和饒恕，你願意饒恕你的配偶，接納他/她的有限嗎？

這文章是節錄自我和太太，在一個名爲《永恆承諾》的聚會中共同主講的信息。

What is Marriage?

I'm appalled by the fact that some of our church people find it acceptable for the Marriage Act to be amended to allow same-sex marriage even though they are not homosexual themselves. The very reason is that, they argue, people can choose their lifestyle and sex-orientation and they should be allowed so.

There is grave misunderstanding between the freedom for them to choose their lifestyle, and the need (if any) to amend the law to allow that. Under current Australian legislation, homosexual people can choose their lifestyle and opt to unite with their same-sex partners and enjoy certain benefits as a couple. Yet naturally, they are not the same as heterosexual couples and they will never be because of the nature of their union and the outcomes of their union.

whatismarriage.org.au has put together a simple video to show what the Marriage Act is about. See for yourself and decide if the Marriage Act should be preserved the way it is or not. 

For more info, go to "Defining Marriage - video of the national webcast" hosted by Australian Christian Lobby (http://www.acl.org.au/).

TVs and movies

For years, I haven't watched much TV mainly because watching TV is very time-consuming and I don't enjoy watching TV programs in English (except the 6pm news program).

On the other hand, I'm fascinated by the movies nowadays because the budget and our high-tech world have made them very eyes-pleasing and thrilling to watch. I would usually like to draw some (if any) lessons from those movies in my preaching. I thought that would make my preaching more relevant.

Today I read John Piper's blog post about watching TV and movies. I'm stunned to read about his insight on the issue. He argues that today's action/violence-filled, bad language-saturated, and sexually explicit films are deadening our senses and yearning for God in a subtle and dangerous way. No (or very few) godly men can come out of any such movie being more godly. We know the violence is not real, and the bad languages are not really meant that way (for they are all created for the movies). The nudity however is real ... ... !

The original post is here: "Why don't I have a television and rarely go to the movies".

I really thank God for his insight. I will scan more carefully what I will watch next time.

What sort of movies do you like to watch? Are they the sort of movies that will have a lady exposing unnecessarily her body? What'd you like to do about your movie selection to honour God?

Disappointing (& scary) statistics

Some statistics gathered about 2 years ago from Focus on the Family and Ministries Today etc have revealed 1 single scary phenomenon - pastors and pastors' families are at grave risk. Thanks to a tweet of Dr. John A. McGinn.

Here are just some of them:

- 50% of pastors' marriages end in divorce

- 70% of pastors continually battle depression

- 70% of pastors only study God's word when preparing a message

- Nearly 40% of pastors have had an extra-marital sexual affair since entering ministry

... ... ... the list goes on

After reading just some of these stats, how do you feel?

For more statistics, please see the original post here ("Interesting Statistics about Pastors").

But what should we be doing? Complaining about the pastors' failures? Or praying for them?

Gift of singleness (獨身/守童身) - do you have it?

I remember my wife (while we were courting) telling me that she wants to remain single so that she can serve the Lord wholeheartedly. I didn't feel good about that mainly because we were in a relationship after all, but I didn't want to talk her "out" of that idea. We were discerning, waiting ... to see how the future would hold.

Years later, we got married and now we are a happy family with 2 adorable kids!!! It's so good to have a family where we feel connected, loved, important, needed, cared for etc. Why would anybody want to be single?

The apostle Paul talks about the gift of remaining single just as he was, so that people can become [solely] concerned about the Lord's affairs ... in undivided devotion to the Lord, while those married people are concerned about the affairs of this world (1 Cor 7:32-35). If this is so beneficial, then for all people in ministry, shouldn't they remain or become single? It will be contrary to biblical teaching if you are married and want to get divorced (for non-adulterous reasons).

Singleness or not is a gift ultimately, and it is the Lord to decide who gets the gift of singleness or the other.

In my trip to Sydney, I met a Dallas professor, Dr Abraham Kuruvilla, who chose to remain single (certainly it's a gift) for the purpose of ministry (including teaching, preaching and research). I am starting to appreciate more the single-mindedness and undivided devotion of the single people to the Lord when it comes to ministry.

With Dr Kuruvilla, I can see a person who is 100% devoted to the things of the Lord. He is teaching in Dallas full time, yet having his medical practice part time, and then doing research and currently writing a commentary on the gospel of Mark. This is so encouraging to see!

Anyway, I'm a happily married and contented man, and I'm thankful for my gift too. How about you?

There are more resources in what follows for your thoughts:

Making singleness better

Purposeful singleness [website]

The Gay Debate

This has always been the "topic" for discussion and has sparked division among Christians themselves.

I had a nightmare (Day 6)

I have not had any bad dreams for a long long time, but I had a nightmare last night.

In the dream, I was told over the phone call that a respected pastor committed suicide. I was shocked to hear the news. That pastor was a well respected pastor who's very committed to the Lord in everything he does. Yet it seems to me in the dream that one of the reasons behind it is that the pastor has long been torn between ministry and family. To be more precise, somehow ministry always comes before family in his priority.

Then I woke up during midnight after I had that nightmare. Immediately I knew I should pray for that pastor, pray for his safety, his family, and his mind to set things right before it's too late ...

In the morning, I had a chat with my wife about the dream, and somehow we all agreed that as ministers, we should maintain a healthy balance between ministry and family. If we can't look after our family well, how can we nurture and pastor God's church?

By the way, today I'm feeling much better, and am very glad to hear another person feeling burdened to engage in fasting and prayer. Praise the Lord!

男傳道都放"產假"？

女人放產假係正常，男人放產假好似有D奇怪？！不過唔講唔知，美國加洲係2004年就通過法律，容許新任父親最多放6星期的有薪假期。瑞典及一些歐洲國家更容許父親放最多16個月的有薪假期！

對於一般傳統華人男性來說，男人放產假依然係怪！這是無可厚非的。但若果我地從聖經睇下夫妻間關係之親密，「兩人成為一體」的真理係講緊丈夫與妻子缺一不可，那麼要妻子（特別是開刀生產的那種）一個人獨自面對產後的身體恢複，及對新Baby的照顧，未免有點不負責任。生小孩對於婦女來說，係最痛的一樣經歷之一，無論係生產那刻，產前產後的身體及心靈需要，都是我們男人不能全部明白的。一般的媽媽一生人最多生產幾次，有D仲只會生一個或兩個，丈夫一生人前前後後花幾星期陪伴太太渡過並協助她康復，這實是微不足道的事。

各位主內弟兄，要好好思想及準備將來如何愛及照顧你的太太，好像基督愛教會，為教會捨己一樣。